It’s ironic that today marks a year ago(ish) that I wrote that really inspiring piece about picking your project and going through it, and how I was going to let nothing stop me from going through with my Super Hyper Pretty Magical Awesome idea. Okay, maybe not ironic. Let’s go with sad. Sad that I let practically everything stop me and I just tore it off the to-do list in favor of something else. And that was replaced by something else, and that was replaced by something else. Is anyone seeing a pattern here? Because I sure am.
Ever since I came to Japan, I have been incapable of finishing something. It’s kind of remarkable, considering how many projects I started and finished before I came here. I’ve recently started to question myself: Is it the lifestyle here? Is it because of stress? Have I lost my artistic voice? What’s wrong with me!? It came to a tipping point when my BFF here ran a 10K race that she’s been training for months for. And then it hit me that I have done exactly squat from what I’ve set out to do. Yes, I have been doing well with illoLife RPG, but have I really been pushing myself enough towards my goals? Have I pushed myself as much as I should have? I leave in four months, and I wanted to come back to the states with a plethora of work, and just jump right into the freelance market.
Am I even close to that? The answer is a resounding no.
I would have let myself get deeper into self loathing about this, were it not for the fact that I started listening to the Scriptnotes podcast this week, and I happened upon episode 131: Procrastination and Pageorexia, in which they talked about writer’s fear, and how procrastination can really build into a fear of failing. And as I was listening to this, I realized that this was exactly what I was doing.
All of this has been a good wake up call, because I have been terrified of finishing the project I was, well, working on, but am not at the moment. It’s a comic short that would turn the damsel in distress troupe on its head. The more people I tell about it, the more confirmation I get from people that, yes, I need to make this so they can read it. So the pressure builds up, and I freeze up, afraid that whatever my next move will be, will ruin everything that I’m striving for. But at least I understand that it’s fear that is holding me back, nothing more. I have the skills, I’ve honed my talent. I just need to get back into the pool without worrying that I’m going to drown.
I will overcome the fear.
I need to work harder, and I need you, faithful readers, to hold me acountable. Get on my case! Don’t see new art from me for a while (which you haven’t), GET ON MY CASE. Demand new art! Demand the next comic! Do it, because I clearly need to get some cheerleaders to help me along.